Soul Extraction Program (Weirdweirdweirdo's Interpretration)

The Soul Extraction Program, also known as the Instant Brain Death Agent, is an asset in Super Mario 64 that steals the player's soul, instantly killing them. The reason it has that other name is because people think they die of sudden brain death. Well uh                                    where am I going with this I didn't think this page through before writing it                 well uh yeah the program              it uh                                     yeah

Ways to trigger the Soul Extraction Program

 * Finding the Red Floor
 * Beating the game
 * Stanley
 * Finding the Dark Hills Penguin, known consumer of souls
 * Hacking
 * At JT’s Chrysler Jeep Dodge in Lexington, I’m going to give you the MOON! It’s Deal-Tastic Me, and I make this the most easiest decision you ever make! From now to the end of the month, pay zero down, and nothing til January next year. Like new Jeep from $14,990, thats good price!! Save 8000 on Chrysler 300s! Or new Jeep compass or Chrysler 200 from $99 a month! Thats a lot good stuff!!! You only going to get that at the JT’s Chrysler Jeep Dodge in Lexington. STUART! jtsjeep.com
 * I'm out of ideas but I feel like adding more things hold on lemme uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
 * Finding Bowser's Brap Barn
 * Getting a cease and desist letter from Nintendo for playing SM64: Last Impact (I don't know why I specifically chose that one)
 * Mario wait no I already just said someone's name as a joke I'm really struggling here someone send help
 * Wearing the Super Crown
 * Succumbing to MIPS Chungus or any of their related anomalies

Side effects of having your soul stolen
Heavy: Ya-da-da-da-da-da- It is good day to be not dead! Engineer: POW! You are dead! Heavy: I am dead! Engineer: Chuckling, while spy is doing the conga towards the scene (The Engineer says aw, shucks” as the Spy gets close.) Spy: Oh! The Heavy is dead! Heavy: Yes (Sandwich). I am dead! Spy: Why is the Heavy dead?! Engineer: I dunno. Heavy: I think it was- Engineer & Spy: Shhh, you are dead! Heavy: Ok. (Sniper enters scene exiting van) Sniper: What's up, you wankers?! Who’s up for a- AH! What the- bloody hell just happened?! Engineer & Spy: The Heavy is dead! (A, B, C, or D game starts) Sniper: The Heavy is dead! Spy: Correct! (Option C lights up and celebration music starts playing) Spy: So, did you see the murderer? Engineer and Sniper: Nah, sorry mate. Spy: Slams hand on desk I will find him, I will capture him, and no one will ever die again! (Engineer and Sniper applause) Sniper: Ah, well that's nice. Engineer: I am damn proud right now. (Soldier appears in scene) Soldier: Atteeeeeeeeention! (Soldier rushes to dead Heavy) Soldier: That Heavy is dead! Spy: We know! Soldier: Who killed him?! Spy: We don’t know! Soldier: I will find clues! (Soldier searches through pile of stuff while sniffing) Soldier: What's that? Grabs gun A weapon?! That thing is why the Heavy is dead! Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: The Heavy is dead?! Soldier: Slams hands on desk Yes, (Intense background appears) he died! Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: All shocked (Intense background stops, showing the Engineer, Sniper, and Spy standing in front of a green screen) Medic: (From far away) Incoming! (Ambulance crashes Soldier into a building wall, killing him.) Medic: Exits out of Ambulance Raus, raus! Pushes Engineer, Sniper, and Spy away from Heavy Move now! Kisses Heavy on head (Heavenly music sounds while the light focuses on Heavy) Heavy: (Rising in air) Hohoho, Hea- Explodes Oof. Medic: In my medical opinion, that Heavy is dead! (Camera rotates to Sniper) Sniper: Doc, what happened? Medic: My professional opinion? Slams hands on desk then turns to the right (Intense background comes in) The Heavy was killed! (Intense background stops) Engineer, Sniper, and Spy: Panicking Medic: I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. Spy: Well, now what? (Scout entering while doing the conga in the background) Scout: Clipidy clop mother****er! Boom! Spy: Says “Oh, come on.” before Scout says boom Scout: Look at this! The freaking Heavy is dead! Pause What do you think of that? Pause Ahm… Spy: Yes, yes, Scout. Scout: Yea? Spy: Go home! (Scout’s mother appears in a car telling Scout to get in) Scout: Ah come on! Pffff! Freaking unbelievable seriously, you all suck. (Car drives off and crashing noise is heard) Scout: Screams of pain Spy: Ok, let’s get back to the point. Heavy: Poking at his dead body I think Heavy is dead. Engineer, Sniper, Spy, and Medic: The Heavy is dead?! Medic: Turns around and notices dead scout in burning car Scout! I will heal you- Car explodes and camera goes back to Heavy Heavy: Oh, Seriously?! Who killed Heavy?! (Camera shows on Demoman drinking Scrumpy) Demoman: Slurp Slurp It was me! Engineer, Sniper, Spy, and Heavy: Shocked Demoman: Yes! Bottle of Scrumpy slides up Demoman’s body and Demoman eats the bottle I did it like this: Takes out a revolver and shoots Sniper in chest Boom! Demoman flies off from force of revolver blast Sniper: Screams of pain Demoman: Woop dee doo! Engineer, Spy, and Heavy: Are terrified seeing Sniper’s dead body Demoman: Burps That’s a joke, lads. Engineer, Spy, and Heavy: Starts laughing like crazy Demoman: Slurp Slurp Burp It was… yo-... Burp Points at Engineer Him! Engineer: Shocked How did you know?! Demoman: I didn’t. Burps That was a joke too. (Camera moves to Engineer, as the Demoman keeps drinking faster) Demoman: Falls on ground Oh, I’m dead. Engineer: Manic laughter That’s right! It was me! Spy: You monster! Heavy: But whyyyyy? Engineer: Cause you’re fat, boy. And another thing, you’re ugly. Heavy: Engineer, stop! Engineer and Heavy: Arguing Spy: Shrugs (Text appears saying : IT’S TRADITION) Engineer: Ah dammit Heavy **** off! You are dead. Heavy: No u, POW! Haha. (Engineer falls dead on floor) Heavy: You are dead! Not big surprise. Spy: Well that was idiotic. Off to hang myself! Spy doing flip on noose Watch and lea- Choking noises Heavy: I am alive! Is nice. Yes, this is stupid.

Theorizing
Did you know that there is a secret facility hidden in Area 51 used by Nintendo to create the Personalization A.I.? It contains a demon sealed away in an orb that consumed Miyamoto's soul. This demon is also known as VentureSonic, known for creating MIPS Hole after Nintendo broke their contract with the entity. I drove a massive truck filled with TNT into it and blew it up. In the demon's last moments, it cursed Super Mario 64 to kill anyone who played it. That's why the Soul Extraction Program exists. It's my fault. And now it's consumed enough souls to revive itself. All my work was in vain.

It's too late to stop it now.

End of communication.